it's not a goodbyes

I've been busy this couple days that's why i don't have a time to write on my blog. because my Best Friend has this so called "Surprise Thingy" for us she didn't told us anything about her plan to work in abroad. after she got her approvals and visa she's now ready to go to Singapore. I was so shocked because we're always together like everyday and she didn't tell anything about it that's why i'm a little sad and upset. but it's okay it's for her own good it's for her future and family right?. i think that in our life some people will stay and some of them will go because they have to. there's no permanent in our life and i understand it now. after she leave my other close friend will go back in states for good. yes! two of my closest friends will go and leave me...awesome huh?! but it's for them, it's for their future. at first it's kinda weird because why on earth?! they going to have a good future now but me. :( what the hell! but i understand now that all people has their own future. maybe it's not yet my time i just need to be patient, god has many plan for me. i know he will give the best for me delays are not denials. of course we will meet again if we have stable life and im excited for that :3

my own madness

okay so here's my second blog for this day since i am a certified B.U to the M nowadays. i'm gonna talk about some of my madness. before when i was in college i don't like to wear make-ups because i think make-ups can trigger my acne, but one of my good friend told me why don't i try to ask my dermatologist if i am allowed to wear make-ups. when i had my check-up i asked my dermatologist she told me that i am allowed to wear make-ups as long as i am putting my derm medication. well then that's the start, my friend taught me how to put blush-on, lipsticks and other stuffs. I remember before she's the one who helped me out when i went to my friend's party. she's like a fairy god mother, she's the one who put those make-up on my tiny face. thanks to her i'm into make-ups right now especially lipsticks i don't know why but i can't help myself with that. Some of my friends told me that i need to go to the rehab center because i'm already a make-up addict hahaha.

 As we all know most of the girls would love to wear make-up. some of them feel naked if they don't put any make-up before they go out. and i always feel that way, i feel naked if i don't put make-ups like BB cream, blush-on, lipstick and mascara before i go out. i don't know, i feel like it's already part of me. if i put make-ups my self-esteem and my self-confidence goes up, its like my vitamins. it gives me confidence on how to deal with other people, because i'm a self-conscious person. i have lots of acne marks and i need to wear make-up to hide it.  since i don't have any work right now i spend most of my time watching YouTube tutorials like Bubzbeauty, Jenn- frmheadtotoe and Michelle Phan. these three are make-up gurus and i really love them because they are all Asians especially Jenn and Michelle Phan.

actually my college friend influenced me on this thingy. she said since i love make-ups why don't i try to watch make-up tutorials in YouTube she said try to watch Bubzbeauty make-up tutorials, since then i get hooked. then again my friend told me that i should watch Michelle Phan because that's her favorite make-up guru, because she has a brown skin like a Filipina (though she's a Vietnamese), her eyes is not that small (Like Filipinas too) and her make-up tutorial is suitable for us because we have the same skin color. Okay then i followed her, again i watched Michelle Phan's tutorial and she was so so amazing! she's way better than Bubzbeauty though Bubzbeauty is good too :). Since then everyday i do watch her videos like the Lady Gaga Bad Romance Look, Romantic Look, Spring Look, Summer Look make-ups and a lot of her videos. i was like damn! i am really insane because of her i do like her make-ups.

then one day me and my friend had an overnight with our ex co-worker she's also crazy in make-ups, and she's very very good too! like she can be a make-up artist someday and i envy her because she had this big Coastal Scents 88 palette ugh! i really love it. it has lots of colors, i think it's matte because it's very refined and the colors are just so lovely. she has lots of brushes, lipstick, blush-on, mascara i was like! what the hell! am i in drugstore? because literally she has lots of make-ups and nail polish too. i said to myself i'm gonna buy that Coastal Scent 88 Palette ha?! but until now i don't have that.haha anyways i am not into eyeshadow stuff. i am more into lipstick :) but i want it so badly, it makes me sad again :(

then she said that why don't i try to watch frmheadtotoe's tutorials she's a korean and she always do the KPOP make-ups like Sandara Park and CL of 2NE1,and also Hyuna of 4minute. Since i am a big fan of KPOP i tried to watch her tutorials then i began to admire her because she is very good, not just good but also kind-hearted :) especially when she said on her heart to heart talk video that she's also suffering in acne, she was only 4'10 (though i am 5ft or sometimes 4'11, weird right?) and her weight is 90 lbs. She also tells a story about her acne that some of her relatives told her that she needs to wash her face most of the time so that the dirt will be removed and i was like! what??? we're the same, actually i heard that thing too from my heartless aunt! just kidding. i can relate to her because we have similarities like she was also suffering in acne, she's thin and small too. i can see myself on her, i love her now :). then after that i became her big fan. she said on her video that you don't need to be somebody, don't envy other people just accept yourself. just be yourself, accept the fact that it's a part of you. we have many insecurities but we need to deal with it. we need to accept and love ourselves as a whole.  i was like yeah she's totally right i agree with her, we need to love ourselves first right?. she also says that make-up gurus are just there to guide us in make-up tutorials but not to adore them like gods and goddesses. they are all here to teach us how to be beautiful inside and out. to build our self-confidence, our self-esteem as a woman. So.. the thing here is... it's not all about make-up thingy it's all about your confidence. make-ups are just an instrument but you are the one who will decide for yourself, to do what you want to do. the one that will makes you happy and satisfied :) don't care about them... just do whatever you want.

well i just wanna share my new stuff here i got this last month it's a Revlon Just-Bitten Lipstain it's a Twilight :) and i really really like it because it last for about 16 hours. but if you're lips is not that hydrated it doesn't look good. if you have un-hydrated or chapped lips put some oil first like baby oil into your lips then put the  Revlon Just-Bitten Lipstain, it has a balm at the the end of it so after you put the Lipstain put the Balm and there... it will last on your lips for about 8 hours, if you have hydrated lips (they said that it will last for 16 hours but it's not unless you will re-apply it), but if you have un-hydrated lips it'll just last for about 5 to 6 hours, but it's okay not bad :) so.. that's it Goodluck!

Happy Lemon Day

hey everyone :) it's already 01:21AM here in MNL and it's raining hard actually, and i really like it. i really love the cold weather because as we all know Philippines is a tropical country. not just tropical but literally a microwave country LOL. anyways... last tuesday me and my girls went out, we went in Greenhills. my friend bought a brand-new iPod for only P9k! cheap right? oh well! it's all because of me! i use my sales talking skills on the saleslady and bam! we had it, from 9.500 down to 9k :) twas so amazing because all gadgets there are really really really cheap. unlike in malls, the original price of iPod 4th gen in apple stores were like 12k? 13k? something like that. also you can bought the blackberry phones like 9780 for only 16k, unlike in malls the price is around 18 to19k, awesome right?. then after that we stroll around then we ate and after that, we tried the Happy Lemon :)

if you are not familiar in Happy Lemon it's kinda tea shop and it's very cozy. i mean it's really good to just sit down there drink your tea while talking to your friends, it's a good place to chillax. actually i am not into tea, literally i really hate the grassy taste of it. but in Happy Lemon you can't taste that grassy thingy because it has lots of flavors maybe i am just lucky because i chose the good one hahaha kidding!. 

I ordered the Crispy Cocoa Milk Tea with Brown Sugar Jelly and i really enjoyed it. at first twas kinda weird because it has an after taste, it's kinda sour but it's tolerable. next my friend Thei tried the Lemon Yakult but i didn't tried it (ugh i forgot!). then my friend Rozelle bought the Green Tea with Rock Salt and Cheese (i tried this one but i forgot the taste.hahaha weird me! LOL) i really had fun chillaxing there and the tea of course :). i wish they gonna open a branch here in south so that it's much accessible for us to go there.

actually we talked about lots of things like Gossips, and stuff and also about our faith in God. i don't know but this days i am into him, like uhm.. i feel better :). I feel a little... comfortable now but of course the stress is still there. unlike before it's like a damn holy crap shit feeling ever. if i could just only sprinkle some forgetting powder on my face then after that hell yeah! i forget about it. but it's not, it's a serious problem. for me it's a serious problem that i need to deal with right?. anyways we talked about that, then Thei told us that she went to a preaching stuff. their topic is all about faith to god, then she told me that "you know what? the preacher talks about your question. about why we need to deal these kind of problem before he give us the best in life." then i asked what was the answer. (i already said that on my previous blog that i don't know the answer, but i know one thing i have my faith on him.) anyways she said that God was just testing our faith, because we forget about him. then Thei remembered my other question twas like why is it the more we prayed for that thing the more we have to struggle just to get that, or to have that. she said that god is just testing our patience, our strong faith, he is just testing how long can we stand for it. now it's clear to me that i need to have this strong faith on him. 

you know what? i really love that topic and i will never ever forget about it. like forever~ maybe it's not yet my time. he's going to give the best for me. i just need to enjoy now :) no more worries, no more hurries, no more waiting just think about now. forget about yesterdays forget about the future just enjoy and have some fun. I like the fact that i feel light headed now while i'm writing this blog i don't know! maybe because i have less worries now. and the fact that my friends are there to back up me whenever i have this kind of problems. i am really really lucky to have them. 

for now i just want to take this opportunity to enjoy my life, things that i have, be with my friends. i don't have a love life right now, or work, but i have them around me and im very thankful for that. also i have my momma and pops though we have this fight awhile ago. i know it'll be fine :) so!!!! if you're reading this blog now, thank the person who's always there for you like your moms and pops and your friends most especially our Lord God :) do it now. maybe you going to say that i'm too corny and stuff but it's not! you are just expressing your gratitude to them right? that's all see you around :)

Faith

actually i have lot's of issues now like i really don't know what am i supposed to do with my life. (i already told my story on my first blog..) I have lots of questions and it's all clueless i talked to my friend this afternoon in Facebook and i told her about my problems because i don't know how to deal with it. it's kinda weird because we have the same problem.. yes the so-called "Bummer Problem" but she is just chillax but me i am drained, wasted, and groggy because of these problem. she said to me that maybe it's not our  time yet, maybe god has many plan for us, maybe we need to learn on the things first. she said don't compare yourself to other people because we are all different. she has a question like "why do we have to deal with these kind of problems before we became successful in our life?" well she's exactly correct. why do we need to have these problems before we became successful?. she told me that we need to trust god because he's the one who's planning for us. 


                     then i talked to my other friend, i told her that i really envy her because she's going back in states for good she's going to work there, plan her future and stuff but me i'm stuck here waiting and waiting for something that i don't know what it is. she told me that "you know what you are lucky because you have your parents with you, your mom and dad are there for you they're not forcing you to work, unlike me i don't have my dad, and i don't have my mum around me when i go back in states. " when she said that i cried... literally i cried because i am blinded by my own will. i forgot to think about my momma and pop, i forgot to think about the blessings that i have, i forgot to thank god because i am so blessed that i have my family around me. you know what? 


                    after i heard that things from my friends i forgot one thing! i forgot my faith to god. i get blinded by the things that i want, like material things. i forgot to call him, i forgot to pray to him, to guide me all the time. i really don't know what exactly my purpose but one thing is for sure right now, God is always there for us maybe he's just knocking on my heart because sometimes i forgot him. because sometimes i forgot to trust his plan. 


                    i have this funny story too, before i was like praying why is it i don't have a boyfriend? am i ugly? am i that ugly? stuff like that. also i am obsessed with KPOP for about 3 years, then all of a sudden he gave me a boyfriend not just a boyfriend but a korean boyfriend Ha! funny isn't it?. if i think about that things it's kinda weird but very very awesome right? 


                    i think god has many plan for us. sometimes we forget him, we forget to thank him, to look at the blessings that we have because we are blinded by the material things that we want. we want to ask more, we are not contented of who we are. that's why maybe we need to deal with these problems to look what we have, to test our positivity in life, to test our faith in him. i don't have my answers to all my questions now but the lesson for this day is... Trust him! just trust him he will direct us, he will never leave us. 

"Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed."

Proverbs 16:3

"Life is  too short to compare yourself with everybody else. God has a very special plan just for you" 

word of wisdom 

"Trust in the LORD with all you Heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight"

Proverbs 3:5-6 

what's my insecurities?

today i'm gonna talk about my little insecurities. as we all know us girls have lots of insecurities, like for example in our state of living, things that we want to do, and most of the time about ourselves, our physical appearance. so for this day i'm gonna talk about the things that i really, ugh! not that really but the things that i am not satisfied about me. 


1. height 

yes i am just 4'11 ft tall. but i always tell to my friends that i am 5 ft tall. funny isn't it? oh well because i am Asian most of the Asian girls has a small body frame, unlike westerners. i think they are all tall especially the Americans and Europeans girls. when i was young i always ask myself what the hell was wrong with me? they said if take lots of vitamins i'll get tall but apparently nothing happens. ugh! it's sucks right? oh well that's life but now i already accept that life is not fair some of us are tall and some of us are short! yess! and i'm one of the shortie girls! LOL


2. weight

i am already 21 years old but... my weight is 90 lbs. fudge! is this too much? i eat alot of sweets and carbs especially rice but i didn't gain weight. my momma told me i should eat alot, but i'm trying but nothing happened. i have this milk vitamins it's "Appeton" i don't know if you heard that stuff but i take that before and it's kinda weird because i'm always starving i think every hour i need to eat because my tummy was like shouting at me that she needs to eat. one time i'm with my friends we went shopping and all of the sudden my hands were shaking, i sweat alot and then suddenly i dropped. they were like "hey ces! are you okay? what happened to you?" and i was like damn! this Appeton milk i'm starving again. ugh!!!! since then i dont want to drink that milk again. but unfortunately nothing happened i am still 90 lbs.


3. eyes

actually Koreans are very popular here in Philippines nowadays. because most of them has a white skin, small eyes, tall, sexy and their skin is very very smooth. i envy them especially their eyes. because my eyes is really big... before when i was young my classmates always tease me they always said that i look like a tarsier because i am very small but my eyes are very HUGE!!!!!! if you don't know what tarsier is.. here's a picture :) --------------------------------------->>>>>>>>>
okay so there you go! i'm a tarsier... but lately i think that having a huge eyes is kinda fun. i am an ESL teacher before i teach Koreans and some of my student says that they like my eyes because it's big. even my ex-boyfriend too he's a Korean actually and he said that he really like my eyes because it's big unlike the Koreans they need to undergo to surgery just to widened their eyes. i think  instead of hating it, it's kinda good thing also :) you know what im saying? 


4. Skin

actually this is my serious problem for about 9 years. i have this acne all over my face and i'm really really pissed off! because i have this marks all over my face but not that big craters like moon hahaha. it's a small marks but it's a lot. for almost 6 years i tried lots of derm clinics. and it's really weird because my pimples are not subsiding. well they subside for about months but after four or seven months they will return ugh!!!!!!!!! my momma told me that my acne is a waste of money. well that's true because derm clinics here in Philippines is quite expensive. when i was in high school my classmates always teasing me like you are ugly, you have lots of pimples, you need to wash your face so that you will have a pimple free face, why don't you try to sleep early so that your pimple will subside, what the hell! i tried all that stuff and nothing happened. i didn't enjoyed my high school because of this acne and it really really sucks, actually my high school is very traumatic because i think all people don't want to be with me. i think they are all scared on my face. my god! if you see my face way back in high school you will be scared too! but now i think my pimple is kinda subsiding maybe because of my age? because i'm already old? i think so. but my problem now is my scars though i have a lots of derm products that i applied on my face everyday. 
i think i need that to maintain my skin, i don't have any choice but to put it or else my pimples will keep on popping on my face ugh!. but for now i need to put my derm products on my face and then i just put make-ups to hide the marks. my dermatologist says that it's okay to put make-ups as long as i'm using those derm products :) thanks to my new dermatologist :)


... that's it :) that's my insecurities. but you know we need to deal with it, like we need to accept who we are. because how can other people love us if we don't know how to accept or love ourselves right? it's natural to be insecure because we are all humans. we are not satisfied on what we've got, that's why we ask more. isn't it?

one crap thing!

uhm... i don't know how to start with this thing. oh well! actually i dont have any plan to do this kind of stuff like blogging and all because i'm not into this. i'm into partying, going out with my friends, surfing the net, watching youtube etc. but oh well! actually i dont have any idea about this whole stuff. literally i am confused about my life now. how to deal with my problems like how to face my future and stuff. i really dont know what to do, im confused i want to say this things to my friends but i think they will not understand me that's why i just make this blog to have my own comfort zone? i dont know. i dont have any idea.. anyways im a little bit pissed of because of what is happening on my life now. i dont have a job hell yeah! that's one of my big problem right now not that because i dont have money and all but the thing is i think i dont have a future hahahaha yes there you go a future! because some of my friends they all have a job a stable job at our age but me i dont have, its pretty funny right? but yes it is! that's one of my big problem nowadays. some of them was working in the hospital, some of them are in abroad already, some of them are earning money now. but me i'm stuck in this whole thing shit lying on my bed watching movies, sleeping at 4.30 in the morning because i stalked on my favorite celebrity guy let's just called him tokyo drift guy hell yeah! i think you know him already. i really dont know what to do. really! i applied in some companies but i dont receive any single call from them :( it really sucks! i cant help but to feel bad nowadays yes i envy some of my friends especially my college friends they have a stable job as a nurse. some of them worked in the office but me oh crap! i dont know. i think my life is like a trash i always seeking help from my parents and that's not me. i really dont like to be dependent especially on my parents because that's not me. at first it was fun lying on the bed 24/7, just watching some movies and all but now it's not fun anymore, i cant deal with this anymore. i think something is missing piece inside of me i don't know what it is? i don't know how to start, how to find this inside of me. i have lots of questions right now. what is my purpose? what will happened to me if im already 24? am i going to be a nurse? am i going to have my own family? stable job? what the! i can't explain i have lots of questions on my mind right now. i am really tired of my life, like this kind of life. no destination, no clues, no plans, nothing even single hint i dont know. i want to ask for help but i dont know where to ask, i dont know how to find the answers. god! i dont know what am i supposed to do? i'm weird right? i think so...